DO YOU:

cut yourself: Nope
lick yourself: what for? i ain't a cat.

whine a lot: no i hate whining.
yell a lot: not really.
want to die: sometimes. it'd be good if we can die a few times each lifetime. it'd be cool.
have a bf/gf: i'm planning on one

do drugs: never. x_O.

wear dark colors: yeah.
dye your hair: planning to, when school closes.

HAVE YOU EVER:

kissed someone: My mom?

gotten drunk: no.

worn rainbow: when i was 6, yes.
talked on the phone for over 3 hours: that's putting it in a nicer way.

left the country: duh?

had a party with over 30 people:  don't remember.
taken nude pictures: wtf? that's absolute.

stolen something: yeah :X

caught something on fire: Yes haha.

cheated on someone: uhm...i forgot.
asked someone out: girl friends

been dumped: not yet.

dumped someone: neither.
had a dream, then the next day it happens: yeah

LAST PERSON:

you touched: my sister
you talked to: JY

you hugged: JY 2
you instant messaged: ES

who broke your heart: no one

ARE YOU:

understanding: guess so
open-minded: quite
arrogant: ha. i can be quite impossible.

insecure: many of the times.
interesting: it depends on what angle you're seeing me at.
hungry: SO not.
smart: HA.
moody: now? 101%
childish: i'm still a kid.

independent: i'm ultra dependent.

hard working: To some extent. I'm working hard on it.

healthy: HA.
shy: quite.
difficult: not really. i'm easy going.

attractive: oh well.

bored easily: HA. YES!
thirsty: YES YES YES <3

obsessed: with Simple Plan's own David and Pierre, YES.
angry: no
happy: no

trusting: awfully.
talkative: quite.
ignored: not really.
reliable: guess so. people depend on me.

self-disciplined: yeah.
sleepy: yeah.

lonely: yes ;_;
INFO ABOUT YERSELF:

what is your birthname? what for ask?
what is your birthday?: 8th June

do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: no.
how tall are you?: 5"6
shoe size?: 5

brothers/sisters?: 1 and 1.
job?: i'm a student, ass.

FAVORITES:

what is your favorite band?: Simple Plan
color?: Black. Definitely.
soda?: no.
music?:  pop-punk, punk rock, etc. i like lots of things.
stores in the mall?: i don't know.
roller coaster?: Ooh yes! We shall ride tomorrow!

candy?: chewy elastic what's that? "Airheads" i think.

cd?: Ash Simpson's "Autobiography"

cookies?: f off.
juice?: apple juice
month?: Dec.

HAVE YOU EVER:

cried?: wth? DUH? x_O.
missed someone?: NOW, i'm missing him.

yelled at someone?: -_-.
changed your underwear?: FUCK OFF, IDIOT.
drove somewhere?: i don't drive, dickhead.
talked to someone on the phone?: you haven't i assume?
been online?: YOU MOTHERFUCKER. DUH?!

smiled?: soggy question.

had sex?: no. i bet you haven't as well.

kissed someone?: YES.

hugged someone?: i bet you haven't as well.
last thing you ate?: my dinner.
talked to an ugly person?: yeah.
HAVE YOU EVER:

been in love?: no.
kissed someone of the same sex?: yeah

been in trouble with the police?: no. i've been following laws tightly.

hit someone?: HA. DUH?!!?!?!?!?!

broke something?: -_-
betrayed a friend?: no.

played strip poker?: no -_-.
skipped school?: yeah.

stolen something?: yeah.
shot a gun?: no. i want to!
broken something important?: no.

smoked weed?: no, yuck.

dyed your hair?: no.
OKAY LAST QUESTIONS:

what is sitting next to you?: a magazine.
do you get along with your mother?: yeah.

favorite sport?: i detest ALL sports, let me get this straight.
are you gay/lesbian/bi/straight?: not really sure.
been in a plane?: yeah.
killed someone?: no?!
stepped in dog shit?: LOL. yeah.
kicked your cat for the hell of it?: no. i have no cats, and not planning on having one either.
slept during class?: yes, lmao.

cheated on a test?: no. never.
are you bored of taking this survey?: YES!
what time is it now?: 10.24pm
you tired?: BLOODILY.

This's like stuck in an unpleasant dream or something. I'm so sad, so unable to do anything! It's like, I can't wake up from it or something...It's like it's a FAKE dream, but I'm unable to get out. It's really awful. I've got SO many things to tell you...

1. School sucks. Really, it did. There're two hopeless bitches in my class, and they're bad enough. And the guys are so ugly...They're REALLY childish and really ugly. xP. I don't know, I have a feeling I won't have reeeeal friends in this class. It sucks so much. And I thought C was a nice girl, but she happens to be this real bitch too. I miss my class...I really miss them...The girls and the guys, both. Especially him...

2. I miss him. I miss him so much. SO much. I'm crushing on him all over again...;_; The thing about relationship is that it's SO confusing. I need him. To be around. I wished I had been nicer last time, to be around with him more last time...I wish I can get him back. Then maybe class will get better. Just, perhaps...I think I like him more than I used to. I miss him...

3. He's not online now. I wish he is.

4. School still sucks. I miss my class. I miss his stupid jokes about me and another guy. I miss his teasings. I miss EVERYTHING!!!!! I would happily pay a hundred bucks to get my old pals back, I promise. Put it on auction, I'LL TAKE IT.

I think I love you.

Oh well I had quite a dream last night. Okay, let me fill you in: Well, I was walking on a street, and there were 6 guys skating in front of me. They were all about 14 to 15, i guess. Well okay, whatever. Then I walked past them and right in front of them. I thought they were just hooligans, so I kept my way out of them, ya know? Just to play safe -_-.

Then, wtf. One guy hit my ass with his hand and I was like, "Oh you i-DIOT!!!" But when I turn around, they skated right in front of me. -_-. Okay, here's the ridiculous part: a fat old lady who is i think about 4 meters in front of me came to my 'rescue' and plunged herself on top of the 6 guys. I think they were squashed xD.

So anyway, here's the MOST exciting part: the group leader came chasing after me with his skateboard. So he was chasing and I was running and hell, I ran into a shop and that guy behind me. There, I told the salesman I wanted a skateboard and having no money, I kidded to the man that that guy is my bf (ur-hrm) and then...oh my god...I kissed that guy on the cheek and like, say, "Sweetie pie, pay for me. Thanks " And he paid. -_-;

Okay, I know this dream's really STOOPID but well, dreams are meant to be stupid. And he became my friend -_-. Then I dreamt I was eating outside the shop and one girl, I assumed she likes the group leader cos she was doodling his name all over her drawing paper(his name is 'Wade', by the way). And she looked kinda sad. ?_?

Then somehow, Wade got to know my cousin, A, and fell in love with her. And he was persuading her to uhm, do that with him but she declined. He said all the girls he's been with did that with him and gave a stupid speech about 'life is short, make full use of it'. But my couz declined. Again. Later, he contemplated suicide. He tied a string around his neck, and there was this HUGE bathtub of boiling hot water underneath him. He lowered himself down and was almost dying but at the end chickened out -_-; So he didn't die.

And the end, I think my couz forgave him and they went back as a couple again. This sounds VERY weird, I know. But hey, it's not the first time I've had such funny dreams.

God is not being nice to me. I wanted to edit this pile of shit I just wrote, and the whole fucking thing disappeared right after I clicked on 'edit entry'. FUCKING SHIT. Now I shall rewrite everything from my memory YET ONCE AGAIN.

After tons of persuasion and heavy begging from both my church teacher and cousin, I decided to give church service a try once more. Today's 24th December, which means pre-Christmas, which means celebration and which means presents-exchanging ceremony, or something like that.

So I went. Surprisingly, I saw X there. Actually, she's somewhat like me, having been 'absented' from the church a few months back, and out of a sudden pop out of nowhere. We exchanged a couple of 'hi's and that was it, nothing really. Well it kind of feels weird, seeing her there. It's like seeing a complicated pile of shit and trying hard to disintegrate it. I use 'profound' language. lol. But then again, she must have been invited by that fucking idiotic clique. I mean, she used to be in that bunch of wannabes too. Nothing special seeing her there, actually.

Hymns-singing time. People were singing along and being merry and what was I doing? Glaring at the powerpoint screen, what else? I hate christian songs, they all sound really cheesy to me. Actually, to speak the truth, I've grown apart from God. I mean, when I was small, I used to be this obedient freak who never has had her own ideas. But now I've GROWN up, and I know what's nice and what's not. And church to me, isn't what I would call 'nice'. It's too clique-sy. And there's just the fucking clique to begin with. They're horrible. They're these bunch of wannabe suckers and they never make people feel welcome. Okay, perhaps they do. But never to me. Anyway, I wouldn't bother giving a shit about them. They never liked me, I never liked them. So there. Let's fucking battle.

Presents-exchanging time. Everyone's scattered around yelling, "Hey sweetie pie, here's my prezzie for you!! Ooooooh, here's YOURS, sweetie. Don't foooooorget it's from me!! Oooh!!" And the loudest came from that bunch, of course. And as expected, I didn't got any. And I expected. Well perhaps it's because of the looooong 'absence' from church, and they probably have forgotten that I actually existed. But hey, I wouldn't bother about receiving presents from such disgusting two-faces. At all. It's actually quite a shame to receive shit from them, really.

A, who is supposed to be my cousin, became quite a bitch, really. I guess it's the outcome of growing up. I mean, I've gotten quite rebellious and foul too, really DIFFERENT from what I used to be. J's became really selfish and self-centered. Actually, as we grow, our friendship tend to lose 'chemistry', you know? It's like a band becoming looser and looser the more you pull it, and it indicates that the years are the source of pulling and stretching. It's very sad...To actually see your once good friends become total strangers to you...Really, I'm sad. And I can't talk to J anymore, I guess she's still angry about that incident. I can't really talk to L either, we've kind of grown apart and that makes me think, we aren't really that close after all. I can still talk to C, but I'm not sure if I can really spill my feelings to her anymore. She's becoming quite out-of-bounds suddenly, and like, I can't quite reach out to her or something. And cyberbeast's going off-line till feb 1, which means like two freaking months later, which means there's no one else to joke with me, to hear my problems, to hear my constant complaining and yelling. Sometimes I think, if I have a soulmate, I can tell him all my problems, and he will be able to console me etc. But come to think of it, there isn't any proper guys around here, and it's really hard to find a good one, really...

Actually, the place where I feel the most welcomed and loved is my home, with my family and siblings. That's where I can feel REAL love and care, and true honesty. That's where I'm MYSELF. That's where I ACT like MYSELF. There're just too many fakers outside, with two-faces. Even christians. That's why I don't talk that much to people anymore, let alone trust in them. I don't really like many people actually. Or to put it in a better way, I don't like people actually. There's just no one (or REALLY few) that I could actually pour my heart out to and for me to actually trust. People are wicked, they're wicked, they're very, TOO much of a hypocrite. Is there any sincere soul left on this world? Probably not. They probably extinct or died or something. It's just to sad to begin with...

Tomorrow's Christmas. I wish that my parents could pick the time out for their kids, and spend some quality time together. I don't wish for anything more, just that. Oh and by the way, happy birthday, Jesus. Hope you aren't as sad as I am... :)

People don't know me, or they probably THINK they know me, perhaps, just perhaps, i don't know myself at all. Things that people say usually get into me and like, i get manipulated by those words, be it nice, or not. Like if people say, "Hey, i think you're pretty." And I'LL think I'M pretty. And like if people say, "I hate your hair. It sucks." And i'll begin to think my hair sucks. It's funny how whatever people say can control how your OWN brain actually works. You begin to feel some untrue things being true, and your own perceptive of things just changes COMPLETELY. It's like, you don't have a mind of your own or something, and it sucks. I try hard NOT to care about what some people say sometimes, but it's also hard to control your own feelings. You can't help but take a big plunge in your heart when people make negative comments about you, and of course, you can't help but gleam quietly in your heart when someone praises you, etc. I've got to learn to manipulate my OWN mind, my OWN thoughts, and not let some other stories manipulate my LIFE. That's what happened to sid vicious. He was actually a good kid, who loves his mother and his life, until he joined sex pistols which turned his whole life around completely. He became this punk kid, got a groupie, and turned into a common victim of horrible tabloids and news. What people wrote in the news actually got him thinking that he is actually LIKE THAT. He never had a mind of his own anymore, and whatever people wrote, he became whatever that was. I don't want to end up like him, I don't want to be corrupted.

In primary school, people think of me as this REALLY good kid with amazing conducts and grades. I was always the "soft-spoken, well-behaved and neat, never getting into troubles with the teachers girl". People never had anything bad or negative stuff to say about me, except for the fact that I'm too shy, and that I rarely spoke in class. But when it comes to being exciting and all, I never had a place in that. I was always the boring old person who always has nothing funny or witty to contribute. People never really talked to me that much. They think i was boring, that i only knows how to study, that i only know how to read books, and because of that, i never had any good and inspirational conversations with anyone before. Come to think of it now, I've wasted the function of my mouth a few years back, and I'm not exactly happy about that...

Now, in secondary school, i've gotten to open up a bit more, and perhaps, ALOT  more. l talked more, l contributed more, l made more friends. My friends were made up of the 'cool' types, the 'nerdy' types, the 'outcasts' types, the 'bitchy' types, the 'rich' types, the 'not-so-rich' types, the 'playful' types, the 'good-never-getting-into-trouble' types, the 'athletic' types, the 'pretty' types, the 'not-so-pretty' types etc etc. And realise l said 'friends'. Actually, they're more like acquaintances. They don't KNOW me THAT well; l don't even know myself, for christ's sake! l hung out with the bitches, who never liked each other in our group really much, who were always gossiping about one another behind each other's back, who were actually pretty much hypocrites, but l feel comfortable with them. lt's like i belong with them or something. l know they're two-faced, l know they're hypocrites, YET I feel a sense of belonging, though i can safely say I'm not quite a bitch as compared to them. They make me feel welcomed, like I can always feel safe with them, never being alone at anytime. Maybe it's just part of the façade, but, but I never felt really bad when I hang out with them, or anything like that. The feeling's just mutual. And don't ask me why, I really don't know why I'm actually in their company. It all just started a while back. Things happen sometimes, without you actually knowing why, how it happened, and how's it going to end.

Back in those times when I was actually a little kid, I think being 'cool' means people who're loud and outspoken, who're popular and who always speaks at the right time all the time. Now I think it's silly. Being 'cool' actually means being yourself, and for those hypocrites out there, you're NOT COOL at all. They're just 'acting-cool' and playing brave. They're really stupid rats at heart. Just...grow up. Popularity contests are only for elementary students.

Nowadays, I get bored by things alot. Things never really seemed to be surprising to me anymore. Perhaps it's because of the many wicked stuff I've seen in this world, which made me a more solemn person, which stole all the curiosity in me, stole all the laughy-haha attitude I had in life. I never laughed sincerely anymore. Nowadays, when I laugh, it's always when I think something is stupid and lame, (NOT because it's funny!!), I laugh when i don't know what to say, I laugh when i'm nervous or shy, and for various other reasons... and it's funny, the people I act this way around have no idea that they don't know me...they think that THAT is who I am, but it's not. That's just me being bored with them. And they don't even know it...They don't even know they aren't funny...It's sad.

Even worse, I act differently around different people. It's not on purpose, and it's not fake, it just "is" ...that's just how i am... a chameleon...i learned to be this way starting when i was really little...it started out to be a way to survive, a way not to be made fun of, something like that, and now, now it's just who i am. for years and years and years i played "dumb" and pretended not to be smart, or fear of being made fun of...And i think nowadays i only show certain parts of me to certain people, only when it's "safe" ...It's not even on purpose either... But mainly it turns out to be that my personality will reflect whoever i'm with. Only those aspects of my personality that match theirs will come out to play. Unless i know someone REALLY well. It's actually really annoying. Depending on how insecure I feel, it gets worse.

It just is. I hate it. I wish I can get my bouncy positive laughy-haha attitude with life back, yet once again...